(53) “You Know This Conversation is Only Appropriate Because it’s Eight in the Morning, Right?”

We all have those friends that we can talk to about pretty much anything and everything. You know exactly the kind of talk I am referring to… that no holds barred, 100% honest and blunt conversation that leaves little to the imagination and does not even make a slight attempt to sugar coat things.

To be completely honest, I love those kind of conversations, and probably have more than I should with individuals I shouldn’t.

But, I think my inappropriate conversation this morning that I had with a completely appropriate best friend might have just topped my list of too funny and supremely addicting T.M.I. Or, in other words, a normal conversation between me and Chelsea (otherwise known as “C”.)

Let’s paint this picture…

Setting: A very public on-campus cafe located in the university’s student union.

Time: Between 8 a.m. and 12 p.m.

Topic of Conversation: Sex and all that applies.

Oh yes, you read that correctly. Maybe you are confused because this conversation was not held late at night under the guise of tequila in my private abode. Nope! It was pretty much as public as public could be.

I would also like to note that this conversation was not something we subtly slid into. Quite the opposite actually. We planted ourselves at a table, bagels and coffee in hand, and dove right in.

Some of the highlights included:

• Once again referring to an on-going joke about hooking C up with a vibrator for when she finds herself in times of pure and utter desperation. And although their are some flaws in our plan — like the fact that C lives at home and therefore could potentially be faced with explaining to her family what that incessant buzzing noise coming from her bedroom is (“Don’t worry about it Mom, I’m just brushing my teeth in my bedroom. Again.”)— we were able to decide on one thing about C’s soon-to-be pocket rocket. Because it must operate on the down low and be able to tackle the most stealth of operations, it’s name will be James Bond, or…for more efficient purposes…007. Another thing we learned? Don’t google 007 vibrators in public to see if such a thing actually exists. It accidentally leads to a lot of porn.
• Whether or not it would be possible to have sex in outer space. Some guys have a hard enough time “getting it up” (pun very much intended) in normal situations. How will a zero-gravity environment have an effect on their performance? Thank you Wikipedia for helping us solve this dilemma. While some sex activities are manageable, sexual intercourse is virtually impossible. And more often than not, swimmers end up floating in mid-air. And finally, any attempt at conception in space is better off involving a turkey baster than a penis.
• Listing all of the appropriate and not-so-appropriate ways of suggesting to a significant other that you would be completely down for driving two hours just for a booty call.
• Discussing the pro’s and con’s of naked Skype for a guy versus the pro’s and con’s of naked Skype for a girl, with alternating scenarios of nakedness between a man and a woman. (Official decision? Men virtually benefit in every scenario, while, at best, a girl can walk away from the event with a sudden boost of self-esteem.)
• If you were to attend the on-campus condom tasting event, what type of condom would you be most and least excited to taste?
• Debating the pro’s and con’s of wrestling with a “big man” versus a “‘lil’ guy.”
• And finally, that awkward moment when you accidentally refer to your significant other’s father as “our dad” instead of “your dad,” and the context surrounding the conversation involves all things cock-blocking.

Normal early morning conversation, right?

Song of the Day: James Bond Theme Music… obviously.